Your Soul Mate Doesn’t Exist

I have bad news for you: your soul-mate doesn’t exist.
There isn’t one person “out there” ideally suited to perfectly fit or complete you in every way. None. However, there are likely several different people whom you would be compatible with in marriage.
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This truth is made more obvious when you contemplate the horrible mess we would have if simply ONE person married the wrong “one”.  That would mean each of these two people’s real “ones” will end up marrying the wrong “ones” as well. Therefore, one person marrying the wrong “one” will lead to a devastating domino effect of broken dreams and spoiled potential.
So either we are doomed to marry the wrong “one,” or else there are multiple people out there who could be potential marriage partners. 
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Isn’t this the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard?

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Somehow our culture has adopted this soulmate fantasy as truth. We might as well believe that echos are the result of a punished mountain nymph, since both stories have the same origin: Greek Mythology.
The Ancient Greeks theorized that humans were actually once androgynous, and were one being comprised of both male and female features. However, because of humanity’s pride, and in an effort to double the number of humans who would give tribute to the gods, Zeus split the humans in half. Each human would forever long for his/her literal other half; the other half of his/her soul–their soulmate.
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Still believe in soulmates?
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Another problem with the idea that there is someone out there who will perfectly fit your needs and make you happy, is that it is incredibly self-centered and out of touch with reality.
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We seem to have gotten the idea that marriage is about making us happy: it’s not.
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Certainly, companionship and mutual help and support are major parts of marriage (Genesis 2:18), but marriage isn’t an end in and of itself. It isn’t supposed to be the answer to all our problems, or the key to making us happy and fulfilled. Marriage is a means. It’s intended to support the raising of godly children, promote the sanctification of the husband and wife, and also to display the beautiful picture of how Christ relates to His church.
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Happiness and fulfillment definitely can be side-effects of a godly marriage, but lacking happiness at any given point in a marriage is not an indicator that you married the wrong person.

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Also, we are all flawed. From what I’ve observed, read, and been told…there is a good chance you aren’t always going to get along perfectly with your spouse. Your spouse may do some things you don’t like. Not only that, but you’ll probably do some things they don’t like. Why? Because we are still being sanctified and still have flaws. This shouldn’t be surprising. Experiencing bumps in the road doesn’t mean you married the wrong person.
Do you feel disappointed yet? Don’t be.
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The more I think about it, the more I realize that the non-existence of soul mates is actually a good thing.
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First of all, banishing the idea of a soul mate also leads to the extinction of the idea that you can marry the wrong person.  That’s right, you can’t marry the wrong person.
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Marriage is a covenant. Marriage is committing to love someone for the rest of your life, forsaking all others, no matter what. Therefore, once you make that choice, there is no going back. Finding someone “better” doesn’t suddenly dissolve your commitment. You never have to wonder if you married the right person, or if you missed out on your “soul mate”. You married your spouse! They’re the right person!
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Of course, the Bible is clear that it would be very unwise to marry certain people. I am not saying we should just marry anyone. Do not be unequally yoked is a command I think we take too lightly. For many Christians, all this means is that you can’t marry a non-believer, and I think ideally, that would be the only requirement. However, the fact is that today Christianity is so divided, and there are many who claim Christ but have no desire to become like Christ. The label of “Christian” does not make someone a true disciple. I think the decision of who to marry is extremely important and should not be taken lightly or dictated by mere feelings.
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That being said, once you marry someone, they become the “one” and you forsake all others. You never have to doubt.
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Another advantage to ridding ourselves of the concept of a soul mate is that rather than winning the lottery, we get to earn and work for our fortune, which is much more satisfying. In other words, we get to make our soul mates, rather than just having one dumped on us through no effort of our own.
Soul mates do not exist prior to marriage, but once you are married, your spouse becomes your soul mate—that is—you each should be growing and working toward the goal of oneness.
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Rather than being disappointed by difficulties or hardship between you, you can see these times of conflict as wonderful opportunities to grow in understanding and closeness.

Friction! Conflict! This is the stuff that makes novels great! It’s also what shapes us, and what can make people great. Under the soul mate expectation, when there is conflict or friction, there is disappointment. The one we married isn’t fitting our perfect ideal. We put them up on a pedestal, and they aren’t living up to that expectation.
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Not only is this an unfair expectation to place on our future spouses, there’s a better alternative. Under the new model, conflict is seen as an opportunity to grow for the better, and help each other to become more like Christ. Overcoming these difficulties together, will bring you closer together. Progress is rewarding.
Therefore, your marriage is always growing better and stronger, rather than what we normally see today under the soul mate expectation, where generally marriages get worse and worse, if not fall apart completely. I personally think it would be better and more rewarding to have to seek to grow closer and to build that oneness, rather than just having it dropped on you.
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Your soul mate doesn’t exist…yet.
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I am not a marriage expert by any stretch of the imagination; however, I think it’s important to understand marriage and how it works before one marries, rather than waiting for it to happen to start learning. From what I have learned, once you marry someone, they become “the one” or your soul mate. They are now the one destined to ideally suit you, and you them. It will take time and effort to reach that definition, or at least get close to it, but that’s part of the beauty.
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Don’t look for someone who can perfectly make you happy in every way, but look for someone whom you can commit to, sacrifice for, and serve for the rest of your life. If you can do that for them, and they you, then they are the “one.”

Linked up at:
Golden Reflections
Cornerstone Confessions
Wise Woman
Wholehearted Home
Raising Homemakers
My Daily Walk In His Grace
To Love, Honor, And Vacuum
Hope In Every Season
Serving Joyfully
Graced Simplicity
I Choose Joy
The Deliberate Mom
The Modest Mom
What Joy Is Mine
Mom’s The Word

8 Comments

  1. Thank you so much for this post! It was very encouraging.

  2. I find this to be a relief, rather than a disappointment. Say a couple met at college. (Happens a lot!) Would they have met if they didn't go to college? Maybe. Chances are they would each have met someone else. It can't be a “be in the right place at the right time or else” deal. That would be terrifying. You'd be constantly worried that you were missing your once in a lifetime opportunity at “true love.” Yikes! As it is, you can leave it in God's hands, and focus on what matters. If He means for me to get married someday, then there's a remarkably good chance I'll meet someone. If not, while some people make out being single as the worst possible state of being, (even inexcusable!) there's certainly nothing wrong with being single. The Apostle Paul was single, and he got to spend more time writing! (Writing is good:)

  3. You are welcome! I'm glad it was able to be an encouragement!

  4. Right, there is never a reason to worry. God is control, and He will bring people into our lives when the time is right. I also think He wants us to make choices. He doesn't want to micromanage our lives. He wants us to, out of our own free will, to shape ourselves into the image of Christ. We are given pretty clear instructions in the Bible for what to look for in a spouse. I don't think we need to wait for a sign in the stars to know if we should marry someone or not.

    That being said, as you probably know from reading my other posts, I don't think getting married is something to be taken lightly, and it would be unwise to trust our own understanding. God is ready and willing to help if we will let Him.

    You also make a good point about singleness not being the end of the world. Some people seem to think singleness is a fate worse than death. They feel they need to compromise their beliefs or what they know is right just so they can make sure they don't remain single. Marriage has become an idol.

    Writing is very good!

  5. I agree wholeheartedly, in fact my husband and I had this exact conversation before we were married. How romantic of us. 🙂 Anyway, I think there is a lot of wisdom in your worlds and letting go of the soulmate mentality is very freeing. Thanks for the great reminder! I'm pinning this for later.

    Blessings,
    Missy

  6. I just wrote briefly about this in my post this week about being grateful for my husband. I mention that there are probably multiple people we could be happy with, BUT, now that we've chosen each other, that doesn't matter. We chose each other now over all others because we've made a covenant with God. I wish more people understood this concept you wrote about. You did an excellent job describing why we don't have “soul mates.” Great read!
    Erin
    http://www.itallmattersmom.com

  7. Fabulous post. I think this is a popular misconception of society. The other misconception… that someone will complete us, that we are in need to find our other half. The only other half we need to find is Christ. He's the one who completes us.

    Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).

    Wishing you a lovely day.

  8. well said. When my husband and I were in pre-marital counseling, our counselor, who is a licensed therapist as well as a minister, told us the same thing…that there is someone in the pool of people that you come in contact who will be a good mate. But when you put it the way you did, it marrying the “wrong one” becomes a domino destroyer! great insight. Visiting from Monday's Musings.

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